Some days I worry.
I worry like no other and the world feels as though its collapsing on me. When it comes to my children, sometimes the weight of motherhood is so heavy I feel like a little ant holding up a watermelon. Balancing good decisions along with a slue of horrible ones is something I struggle with daily.
Could I have handled it differently?
Am I giving everything the attention it needs?
What does it all come down to?
The feeling of being good enough. The bondage in my mind that surrounds my head is Am I good enough? Do I deserve these perfect kids? Do I deserve this man of mine? I have a huge fear of success. Huge. Big. Mega. Why? Never feeling like I deserve what I work for.
It is a cycle. I work hard. Good comes out of it and then the feeling of not being good enough to deserve my reward. Why is my brain conditioned in this manner? I would never allow my kids to feel poorly about hard work and efforts and obtaining a goal. This has to stop. Soon.
Why do I write this? Not for a tug boat full of sympathy, but to let it out for me. a good purge hoping to get it out into the universe and to empty only to fill up on whats good again.
