Worry

Some days I worry.

I worry like no other and the world feels as though its collapsing on me. When it comes to my children, sometimes the weight of motherhood is so heavy I feel like a little ant holding up a watermelon. Balancing good decisions along with a slue of horrible ones is something I struggle with daily.

Could I have handled it differently?
Am I giving everything the attention it needs?

What does it all come down to?

The feeling of being good enough. The bondage in my mind that surrounds my head is Am I good enough? Do I deserve these perfect kids? Do I deserve this man of mine? I have a huge fear of success. Huge. Big. Mega. Why? Never feeling like I deserve what I work for.

It is a cycle. I work hard. Good comes out of it and then the feeling of not being good enough to deserve my reward. Why is my brain conditioned in this manner? I would never allow my kids to feel poorly about hard work and efforts and obtaining a goal. This has to stop. Soon.

Why do I write this? Not for a tug boat full of sympathy, but to let it out for me. a good purge hoping to get it out into the universe and to empty only to fill up on whats good again.

Summer Adventures ONE and TWO

This is a summer of fun. I am committing to non boredom. Most moms are having their babies create wish lists and posters of things to do. I think thats a fantastic idea. As I am now working full time, I am now going to have to be more creative with time than ever. I run a home business, I full time wife and parent, and I have a career that keeps me extraordinarily busy. I also like to "not have a schedule" with my family as I am lazy and sometimes I just want to drink coffee and dream. 

Our first summer adventure was at a request of a friend with a much older child and one that is 10. She said 10 had been begging her for zoo time. I said, "We're in." My 10 hates the zoo as we wore him out on it when he was about 18 months. Too bad, we are going anyway because I'm the mom that's why. 

So we went, we laughed and we ate treats and it was awesomesauce. 

Adventure number two was impromptu. "Hey ya wanna go to the lake and boat with us?" says my favorite mermaid friend. 

(i do realize that i am mixing species here as that i am a fairy and she is a mermaid but it works for us don't judge) 

So I introduced my family to hers. We didn't get there until almost 530. Summer in our state, the nights are long and beautiful.... and buggy. 

The kids enjoyed meeting and making new friends. We helped fix a boat . . . well.. i don't know if I helped as I was too busy talking. . but I was there so that counts. An hour later it was time to tube. The sun was setting, not a boat in sight at Carlyle Lake Eldon Hazlet State Recreation Area 

We were literally on vacation. No worries. Just treats, water, breezes, and happiness. It was a good memory for the books. We enjoyed it and obviously they did too. 

Those days

today was one of THOSE days.

Not feeling well, I was foul to everyone around me. My kids were in foul moods because of it. . . And I am sure Mr was trying to hold it together.

It was one of those days. . . And to be honest, while everyone was sleeping i asked for forgiveness to the Lord, because I really feel so low that I can only look up.

Thanks hormones!

Love,

Milly 

I am a pretty woman/fairy, you best believe it

I find it interesting that when a girl says she has a problem with her heavier body that people become very uncomfortable then say, "But you are pretty inside and out."

uh . . . duh??? I am 37 year old woman/fairy of course I know I'm pretty! 

Just because I chose and own the fact that I've binged on carbohydrates and added to my overall fatty tissue composition, my risk of diabetes, and cancer does not indicate that I believe I am a bad person or an ugly one at that. 

Long dramatic pause........

Granted, the reason I inhaled carbs was not only physical craving and abuse but mental craving too. Yes there were times when I felt unworthy, unpretty, unperfect, etc... but doesn't everyone? I've got my shit together enough to know that I am a good person and GOD made me beautiful, so I usually don't question it for long nor do I ask for anyone one but my husband and girlfriends on girl night to confirm it as truth. (yes we dress up for each other)

Do you think that someone who is "fit and slender" perhaps... gasp... is not insecure ever??? 

Do you think Mr. or Mrs/Ms Fitbody never looks in the mirror and says, "damn I look rough?"

When Mr/Mrs/Ms Fitbody says, "Ugh, I feel like crud. Maybe they, too, had a cheat day and feel yucky as I do when I do it, " DO you say, "OH?? But you are so pretty inside and out"

I am not uncomfortable with my weight.  One of the lifestyle choices was throwing out the scale, Its a number and i would get so absorbed over it that it would ruin my entire day. I know longer care about my number or a size. What I am most uncomfortable with is how I feel.... physically..biologically.. inside. Before I started I felt sluggish, my stomach always hurt, i was always hungry, never satisfied, I felt like I was never going to have energy to even be a wife and a mother let alone a fairy. 

SO my series of life choices seriously starting with throwing out the scale and drinking all of my water and replenishing the caffeinated beverages that I drank with more water (8 oz of caffeine in adds 8 more oz of water). I've felt sooo much better. I did notice the physical change, but I'm more excited that I feel so much better. My entire goal is for people to open their minds to feeling better vs using gimmicks and tricks. 

Life is not a gimmick or a trick. Its a series of behaviors that make memories and connections with other souls. With social media, we connect all over the world. I love that because we are never alone in our thoughts are needs and our worries and fears.  

When I share, its not for me, its for someone like me. . . fairies, unicorns, trolls, ogres, mermaids, and ligers alike. .

*flutters wings*

Cancer, Fat, Diabetes OH MY!

In this day and age of social media, it is impressive to know that we can have information right at our fingertips.. however, we as Americans are doomed in health. Diabetes, cancer, and other diseases that are at our own control we will all suffer from if we don't take heed.

Now, I'm not trying to play doomsday fairy. I am all about rejoicing in a chocolate cake, a good cheeseburger, and yes. . . a healthy piece of juicy watermelon. Choices. . . see? Its one thing to do it once in a while, its another to do it consistently.  In the past I've lost as much as 85 pounds. . . I carry it well but recently put back 15 of it on. I've began eliminating things slowly.

I eliminated dehydration first. Drinking atleast 64 oz of water every day and replenishing if I drank caffeine.  Its a habit now that I am almost a month in.

Gluten was next. I was feeding our family "whole wheat and whole grain" items and in the end, we were craving more and I personally was suffering with pimples and bloating. My family hasn't completely eliminated it, but when I cook (most of the time) thats what they get.

I am now eliminating ALL carbs from my diet. I need to ELIMINATE FAT.  In order to do that quickly, I am eating nutrient dense protein and veggies. I haven't eliminated dairy yet. I'm still addicted to a couple of servings a day. I miss my fruit, but I will get it back just not in the amounts I was eating it. Our "ill" bodies are conditioned to want sugary salty carby things when we get hungry. So.. its easy to eat through and entire bag of Oreos or chips..


example:  You eat the first Oreo when hungry. Mm thats good. You go to the next.. mm thats good. You continue that it until you finish the whole bag.  You are "full" after the bag to the point of illness but your body is not satisfied. Our bodies are nourished. We don't get nutrients we need. (insert chips if you are a salty craver)

Example: You start into a gorgeous piece of lean beef tenderloin. You chew... you swallow. You continue until  you are full. But you are satisfied! Your body pulls nutrients and it curbs all your other needs. Very caveman like .. yes? YOu may or may not finish your steak depending on whats required.

I am no expert. I don't claim to be. I've read a lot though. I've taken a nutrition class or two... and boy have things and ideas changed since then. I understand it. It makes so much more sense.

I would love to hear what YOU are doing!!!

Food prep

I am doing exceptionally well with my water intake. If i have any caffeine, i as extra. I am feeling great about this. I weaned off and have officially eliminated gluten as of today. I'm still eating carbs, but gf ones.  This weeks challenge is to always be prepared and to eat three meals and one snack with nothing after seven. It's time for my late night snacking to stop.  I will not eat out this week. I bought groceries and I prepared by writing out dinners for the nights I cook. I even through a pizza in, but a healthy one, promise. :)

"Food prep is hard" my husband said as he looked at my bloody gouged out finger. Hey, what's the saying no pain no gain?

So I encourage you to continue with water, prepare, and no eating after seven p.m.

Challenge, week 2

So. Did you suRvive water week?? I barely did. I made it 4 out of 7 days.  The point for me?? The days that I work I find i don't take care of myself at all. Its like I'm on another planet when it comes to me.  Totally different person. That goes with diet as well. So... whats the first meal I can change daily??

BREAKFAST

on days i work, i tend to grab something small. 

SO small, that combined with the coffee can totally screw up my glucose levels and make me ravenous all damn day.  So this weeks challenge is this.  

Continue with water, eliminate GLUTEN, and make a HOT breakfast every day.

Taking the time to fuel myself prior to a long day hour is important. Gluten is bad period. It makes me bloated and brain fuzzy. 

Midweek I will post my consumption. 

Be happy  be kind  be healthy. 

Xxoo